Gwen, when she first joined Torchwood so long ago,
asked Jack “When do you get to go home? You seem to live here. You don't, do
you?” He smiled and replied “Gotta be ready. The twenty-first century's when it
all changes. And I hate the commute.” Gwen then asked with a gentle smile
“Where do you sleep?” Jacks reply was simple “I don't.”
Gwen found curiosity creeping in “Doesn't it get
lonely at night?” Jack doesn't answer.
How could he. She answered it for him. Yes. It does. Alone with a past he found
hard to live with at times and with an uncertain future. The only two things he
was certain of was that the 21st century was changing and his future was never
ending. The only thing he would try and focus on was the here and now. After
all, he could do nothing about the things he regretted about his past and much
of, but not all of, his future that was' as of yet, unwritten.
He'd implied he never slept. Well what is sleep? You
lay down. Close your eyes. And your brain shuts down everything that isn't
needed in order for the body and mind to rest and re-charge the batteries.
Without sleep the body would become exhausted and unable to function and you'd
probably just pack up. Jack's body was constantly repairing itself. So sleep was
something he didn't really need. Sleep, when he did lay down, close his eyes
and allow his brain to shut his body down, was something he would do when he
was with Ianto, to seem normal, or just something to do at night.
The problem was that though his body would give up to
the nights sleep, his mind wouldn't. Jack's dreams, nightmares, were far more
vivid. More real than anyone else's he knew. His were never abstract plays of
problems he had and how he may solve them. Jack's dreams were reality events of
both his past and future. Things he'd seen, witnessed and done. Much of which
he tried to forget, which is impossible to do when asleep and you succumb to
your subconscious. But no matter how much he tried to explain this to Ianto,
Gwen, or any one of them for that matter, they would never, could never
understand. No. There was only one individual in time and space, past and
present, who knew exactly what Jack was going through. There was only ever one,
from the moment Jack popped back into existence, who could ever know. The
Doctor.
Almost a thousand years old. So much life. So much
loss and pain. He, like Jack, has lived in the past and the future. And like
Jack he has things he wanted to forget and couldn’t. All he could really do was
bury them. And like Jack, he never really slept. But Jack had made the choice
to stay with his team, his family. But even when he was with The Doctor, he
never spoke to him about such trivialities. He never asked how he had coped all
this time with his demons and angels of memories. They were always too busy
saving someone or something or somewhere. So it never came up.
So instead, when The Hub was still a reality, Jack
would go out alone Weevil hunting or on long walks to try and clear his mind.
He'd sit at Gwen’s computer watching the world. Never used Tosh's because it
was usually busy calculating or analysing something and you never used Owen's
because, well because it was Owen's, need one say more. And Ianto just used
Gwen's.
And now Torchwood is all but gone, surviving only
through Jack and Gwen. And no Hub to go and hide in during the long nights. The
nights haven't got any easier since the loss of Owen, Tosh, Steven and Ianto.
Yes, especially that of Steven and Ianto. Both he loved dearly and both left
him feeling a much deeper guilt than that of anyone else. Yes. Those losses
have added to Jack's inner demons that haunt him both day and night. Every
second, of his unending life. More guilt to carry on his shoulders along with
those collected over the past 150 odd years. Or was that 2,000 and odd. All the
time travel and being buried, he's lost track how old he really is and how long
it is since his life was changed forever.
So now what? What do you do when there's no Hub to
hide away in? Maybe no Weevils to hunt down and although he did enjoy hunting
them alone; he missed the shared excitement with Ianto when they hunted
together. Hunting alone, permanently alone didn't have the same feel. It just
reminded him of his loneliness.
Before everything changed. Before the end of The Hub
and all the terrible losses; Jack was content and happy to stay. Now there was
only Gwen, whose life was now taken up, and rightly so, with Rhys and Anwen.
Jack had never wanted to hear those wheezing engines of the TARDIS as much as
he did now. Now he was pretty sure that if the Doctor asked now, he'd be in the
TARDIS quicker than the Doctor could click his fingers. But for now, he would
stay. Try and continue his work of Torchwood with Gwen. Even Rhys helped on
occasions. He would do all he could to protect this small family that meant so
much to him. On earth they are all he has. For now he would just wait out those
long nights alone, forever waiting for the right Doctor to come along...
I like it! This after CoE setting, really good, dealing with Jack's loneliness. You really want to hug him! And I always wondered abouth that sleep thing...you explained it really good! :)
ReplyDeleteIs there or will there be a next chapter?