Tony starts from Scratch.
Scratchman is a very unusual Doctor Who story.
It’s been the stuff of legends for decades – a script for a movie version of
Doctor Who, written by Fourth Doctor actor Tom Baker and Harry Sullivan actor,
Ian Marter, in which the Doctor and his friends would encounter the ultimate
evil: the Devil.
Now, over four decades and nine Doctors later,
with help from author James Goss, Tom Baker has finally brought Scratchman to
the world as a novel, and subsequently as an audiobook. It’s Tom Baker, writing
his own Doctor, empowered with all the blending of Classic and New Who that you
might expect since it comes to us in 2019. And then it’s read by Tom Baker
mostly in the Fourth Doctor’s first person, in that voice that could ripen
grapes.
In fact, that blending is one of the book’s
chief attractions. While Baker and Goss deliver what for some is the absolute
apex of Classic Who Tardis teams – the Fourth Doctor, Sarah-Jane Smith and
Harry Sullivan – and deliver them faithfully, with, for instance, Harry
Sullivan being loyal and decent and not really an imbecile at all, there’s also
a very modern vibe about the way things are presented. In the Seventies, Doctor
Who Versus The Devil would have been quite a Hammer Horror concept, but this is
2019 – the Doctor met the Beast in the Pit a couple of lifetimes ago, so
there’s a rather more scientific atmosphere underpinning the ‘Devil’ of the
piece here. Scratchman, or Scratch as the Doctor chummily refers to him, is a
being from another universe, who rather thrives on the energy of terror, and
who’s in the market for both a bridgehead, to allow him to pop over to our
reality and up its fear factor, and an ambassador, for which position he’s more
than happy to consider the Doctor, as one agent of chaos to another.
That said, there’s plenty of gothic horror here
to keep those who love it happy – there are walking scarecrows (another element
that’s been used on screen in New Who – Human Nature), who confer their
scarecrowness by touch (as seen in The Empty Child), and the way their scenes
are written spares little of the reader’s feelings. In one particular
scarecrowifcation, you’ll feel your chest tighten as you positively yeeeearn to
find out what happens next.
As well as keeping up a solid pseudo-scientific
horror plot though, Scratchman is studded with moments that will make you punch
the air and smile a beaming Tom Baker smile. There’s one Classic enemy featured
heavily here, and, almost for story-convenient larks, we get to find out what
their version of Hell would be. There’s the Doctor on trial by the Time Lords,
as it would have been had it happened in the Fourth Doctor’s time. There are
brief, pleasing cameos by a horde of other recognisable monsters, and a very
cheeky, gorgeously daring not-quite cameo by a race from ‘a giant metal city,
its occupants like tanks full of hate…’ – Ahem. Say no more, you might get
sued. And there are also name and time-checks from other eras, too – at one
point there’s a kind of replay of the bickering of The Three Doctors, only with
the judgement of the Fourth thrown in. There’s a flash-forward to ‘the next
one’ too, as the Cabbie of the Dead reassures the Doctor that, although he’s
dead, life will go on. And oh my life – there’s a room into which Sarah-Jane
wanders on board the Tardis that will absolutely break your heart and leave you
sniffing.
And after a rollercoaster ride of ups, downs
and literally sideways…es, (Did we mention the new look variant on the console
room, and the Doctor’s conversation with his ship as he persuades her to go
where no Tardis has gone before?), once evil has been revealed, and thwarted,
and all in time for tea…there are the epilogues.
Most of all – oh, most of all – there are the
epilogues. Three of them, each of which is more perfect than the last. There’s
a moment when the Fourth Doctor sees his own future and comes to terms with it,
which will make you cheer like a loon. There’s a memo to listeners from the
Fourth Doctor, which sounds almost like a love letter from Tom Baker himself,
more or less expressing the hope that he’ll be well thought of, not only for
this adventure but for the way he lived the Doctor’s life, which will probably
have you standing up through a haze of grateful tears, shouting ‘Yes! Oh,
Doctor, of course, yes!’ And there’s even an epilogue from someone who’s not
the Doctor, but who will have you sniffing into your hankies, or quite possibly
bawling your eyes out.
Scratchman is a Doctor Who story that’s been
decades coming to fruition. And when you hear it, you’ll be grateful that all
the intervening time has allowed Doctor Who to evolve and become the thing it
is today, because what you get is a Scratchman born in the Classic Seventies,
and almost endlessly enriched by the New Who sensibilities that make the 21st
century show as fresh, as relevant and as real as the Seventies version was
escapist and magical. Scratchman is literally the best of both eras, skilfully
blended to please every palate.
And then of course, it’s read by Tom Baker.
Now that's both a great thing, and an
exhausting thing. It's great because it's Tom Baker, and nearly nine hours of
Tom Baker in your ears can never be a bad thing. His line readings are utterly unique
and would occur to no other human being alive. There are intakes of breath,
there are ad-libs, there are wild madman laughs thrown in like waves, there are
ups and down and rolls into the most intense fruitiness, there are great
soaring skyscapes of vocal crenellation which belong in the mouth of nobody else.
Perversely, that's what sometimes makes
Scratchman a slightly exhausting listen. But you come to the end knowing nobody
else would quite have been good enough. Would have been quite so perfect. Would
have been, in a name, Tom Baker.
The audiobook version of Scratchman is
guaranteed to make most Doctor Who fans weak at the knees, irrespective of
whether they’ve been fans for one series or over fifty years. It's roaring and
sprawling and gothic and dark, with a central opponent who's half Lord of
Darkness, half used car salesman, all totally workable on the TV screen of your
imagination. It's both epic and intimate, both universe-threatening and
personal. It’s gorgeously studded with treats all along the way, and it's quite
capable of putting a little something in your eye.
You're going to want to listen to this one.
Take occasional breaks, or the headiness of Tom Baker's performance will make
you drunk like rich red wine, but always come back for more till the very end -
like a Marvel movie, it's worth it down to the very last syllable.
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