Tony needs a lie down
in a darkened room.
‘I’m sorry, this is all
very complex – which for me is saying something.’
So says Professor River
Song at one point in this fourth instalment of her diaries – and she ain’t just
whistling Dixie. You’re going to need your special anti-paradox boots to make
it through this one with your brain intact. But more than any previous River
Song set, this instalment has a self-contained story-arc, with a beginning, a
what-the-hell, a staggering diversion and an end.
Time In A Bottle, by Emma
Reeves and Matt Fitton is the story of the beginning (or at least the
resurgence) of a Big Bad in the universe, the impressively named Discordia.
They are, or at least can be thought of as, the Anti-Time Lords. A species with
the awesome power of time travel and the social conscience of Donald Trump. A
bunch of thugs with a certain Douglas Adams quality of giving not a single fig
for the laws of time, the web of time, the
any-damn-thing-else-you-care-to-mention of time. Whatever you do to beat them,
they naff off back in time, change things so the circumstances were different
and you failed, and then zap back to the point where you beat them, more or
less to gloat.
So, they’re a bunch of
happy chaps.
It’s also a tale of an
archaeological expedition with River and her old college rival, now-Professor
Jemima Still, and a cast of odd-bods, into a realm where the only time is that
which you bring with you. Which is theoretically fine if you’re a complex
space-time event like River Song, and altogether less fine if you’re not. There
are, it seems hardly necessary to explain, shenanigans here, which lead River
to make a very big mistake, and lead the Discordia to laugh their knickers off
as things go Badly Wrong for the universe, and rather splendiferously right for
them. The actions in this story are what power the rest of the box set, because
once the Discordia get started, they’re like a stubborn stain – you can scrub
and scrub but you can’t get rid of them, because, in a marvellously paradoxical
fashion, as soon as you’re on their radar as wanting to get rid of them,
they’ll nip back to the Pleistocene era of your planet and nuke it into slag,
just to stop you. They’re really that kind of thug – they’re Vogons with time
travel.
Time In A Bottle delivers
all that, but also rather faffs about with the story of an insectoid species
taken unawares by the Discordia, who have one final egg left, one queen, and
one worker. This story-thread, while serving as an example of what the
Discordia can do, never feels like it punches at the appropriate weight, and
can leave you with a hope that the stories get more concise as they go on.
Oh well.
Kings Of Infinite Space by
Donald McLeary is a kind of River Song version of Dinosaurs On A Spaceship –
it’s River, but with a gang. Mostly it’s a runabout guerrilla warfare game in
time and space, against an opponent that can snap causality just as easily as
they can snap your spine, and won’t hesitate to do either. That does leave the
story feeling like it’s – to coin a phrase – mostly harmless, though, as well
as mostly pointless. There’s love, hate, friendship, death, ocean voyages, exploding
heads, you name it, McLeary gives it to you in this story. The only real issue
is that we’re not entirely sure why, or really how it advances the story,
beyond giving the main mass of the Discordia time to get up and running in
terms of blowing planets out of the sky – Daleks, Time Lords, Human Beings,
pick a species, they’re all members of the ‘planets blown to smithereens by the
Discordia’ club, while River and her gang are leading one particular, important
sub-group of the Discordia a merry dance and blowing them up. Sort of. If
nothing else, it’s a story about the importance of not letting yourself get
obsessed with minutiae if you happen to want to conquer the cosmos, but as a
listen, it’s a touch exhausting.
Whodunnit?, by Matt Fitton
is a much more condensed affair, and as such is a more relaxing listen. A
pastiche of every classic detective thriller, including of course, The
Adventures of Melody Malone, it brings Melody to a mysterious house in the
country late one night, where there are murders, mysteries, snobbery, sex,
deception and a monster in the attic. There’s also, just in case you were
lacking an element, Franz Kafka, who appears to be mostly invisible.
So – fun! Solve the
mystery, catch the murderer, avoid being eaten by the monster, and perhaps
survive to sleuth another day. What could be simpler?
Almost anything, as it
turns out. Oddly enough given what initially seems like a mad introspective
diversion from the whole Discordia plotline, this story does actually make
sense, even within that Discordia arc. In fact, it makes so much sense you’ll
probably guess it pretty early on, but who’s who, what’s what and why the hell
any of this is happening – those will take you longer, especially because Matt
Fitton throws in a couple of end-zone quirks and curves to tie the ending up.
And then there’s Someone I
Once Knew by John Dorney. Tom Baker’s Fourth Doctor, and Alex Kingston’s River
Song. Together. Can you imagine the
Flirt-ometer?
Stop imagining, start
listening. Even for listeners who love them both, Someone I Once Knew might
push the banter level into nauseating territory, though there is some fun to be
had with normally spoiler-conscious flirtmistress River being wrong-footed by a
Doctor who knows more about her, and about their times together, than she does.
Besides the fun though, this is the most directly to-the-point story in the
set, with the Doctor and River determined to defeat the Discordia once and for
all. There’s an interesting split in this story – the Doctor going to the Discordian
homeworld to foment rebellion (as he says, ‘it’s something of a speciality of
mine’), while River…erm…well, River deals with a kind of outer space incel, and
gets the chance to lay some feminist truth on his ass about how power, used or
restrained, cannot engender love when love is simply not there. The power of
love is actually central to the plot of this fourth story though, and in fact
to the story of the Discordia as a whole, again with an incel twist (never
heard the word? Google is your friend). What happens when devotion is spurned
and turns to anger, coupled with power? Basically, you get a species intent on
violence, force and making the world in their own ugly image.
Needless to say, the
Doctor and River, together – though mostly, as it’s her show, River – succeed
in undoing the damage the Discordia have done, rewriting time and space,
popping planets back into existence, and erasing the timeline in which the
Doctor knew River much much earlier than he did in our TV-established universe.
As a way of removing River from the Doctor’s pre-Tennant memory, it’s probably
the most elegant explanation we’ve heard so far, not least because of the scale
of the undoing it involves. The whole universe has to pop down another temporal
trouser-leg to make this Doctor
forget the wonder that is River Song. That makes it satisfying both as a River
story and a Fourth Doctor story simultaneously, and is probably the highest
point in the set.
You will need to pay full
attention to The Diary of River Song 4, and you may well need a lie down in a
darkened room and a cup of weak tea once you’re done with it, but in terms of
believable adventures that River would absolutely get herself mixed up in, the
creation or unleashing of a species that destroys the web of time is pretty
high up there, and while the set will begin to make more sense once you reach
episode 3, it’s a very engaging way to spend four hours in the company of your
spoilerphobic favourite. Take a deep breath, have tea on standby, and open up
River Song’s diary once more.
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