Gwen Cooper pulled a face
as she stared at the array of capsicums on the work top counter in the Hub
kitchen. They were every shape imaginable, and many different colours. Some
were fat and short and some were long and straight. She knew at least three of
them would require medical attention. One of them would kill you, and two of
them were alien, and she had absolutely no clue what they would do.
Dr Owen Harper, whose task it was to procure
these spicy fruits had developed capsules from the capsicums, which made them
easier to swallow but the effects were nevertheless as painful or as fatal as
munching into the plant itself.
Gwen picked up the 8 x 5 cards sitting by
each of the specimens and read out loud the details of each chilli.
Toshiko shook her head. Sat at her computer,
she was researching the long-term effects of each of the ghost chilli’s
including the two alien plants which had been growing in the Hothouse for some
months now. She was certain that they required further tests before any were
consumed.
Toshiko knew that Owen was unable to live
life to the full, given his current status, plus there was still the ethical
destruction of his internal organs, even if he wasn’t allowed to physically
eat. Owen however, either seemed oblivious to this fact, or he had discovered a
failsafe way of ensuring nothing toxic would be emitted from his body
afterwards, unlike the alcohol he’d consumed a few months back, when he’d first
come to terms with his living death.
Ianto glanced over the gantry, a clipboard
in hand. He’d taken himself off to check on readings in the Hothouse and
anywhere he wouldn’t have to watch Jack come back to life several times over.
He couldn’t bring himself to tell Jack that each time this happened, a piece of
him died inside. Plus, despite the entire team knowing his feelings for Captain
Jack, he was still uncomfortable displaying them in public, for all to see.
‘So, let me get this straight,’ Gwen said,
turning to look at Jack currently studying the capsicums as if he were judging
them for a village fete. ‘You and Owen have had this contest running for
several years now and none of you have died yet.’
‘Well, Jack did have a near miss, two years
ago, tasting an underdeveloped alien capsicum, am I right?’ Owen chided. Jack
grinned.
‘It pays to read up on these things.’
‘Which none of you did.’ Toshiko called from
her work station. ‘Honestly, is there nothing else you two could do than try
and kill each other?’
‘It’s not as if any of us can really die, is
it Tosh?’ Owen laughed. Jack smiled at her softly.
‘He’s right, you know. Besides, now that
Owen can’t die, it makes it more interesting. Obviously, Owen will be
conducting his business away from our workstations until his stomach has
resettled.’ Jack laughed, but his eyes were serious. After all, he’d been the one
to share a cell with him when he’d vomited up the contents of his last binge.
‘Oh God.’ Gwen pulled open the cupboards in
search of Air Freshener and sat two on her desk, ready.
‘So, we good to go?’ Jack clapped his hands
in eager anticipation.
‘Just about. Where’s Ianto?’ Owen enquired.
‘We need a stopwatch. Last time we did this, you took a bit of time to
physically die, as I recall.’ Owen pulled up the data on his PDA and scrolled
down the screen. ‘Yeah, here it is. Jack – No.7, 12 minutes and 13 seconds
before you stopped squirming.’
‘I did not.’ Hurt, Jack snatched the PDA
from Owen’s hand and scrutinised the screen, before sighing and handing it
back. ‘Ok.’ Jack looked about for Ianto but he was nowhere to be seen. He
caught Toshiko waving to him from the corner of his eye and followed the direction
of her finger. ‘Thanks Tosh.’ He saw a head bobbing around the plants in the
Hothouse and shouted for Ianto who with a heavy heart, poked his head out of
the door.
‘Need that stopwatch.’
‘In my desk. First drawer.’ Ianto replied,
with no intentions of coming down.
‘Gonna need someone to operate it. Someone
with a keen eye.’
‘What about Gwen, or Toshiko?’
Hands on hips, Jack
frowned. ‘What are you doing up there, Ianto?’
‘Checking readings, sir. Some of these
plants need a regular monitoring, and as you’re all busy down there…’ He
trailed off. The fact is sir, I just
don’t want to watch you die and come back to life several times over, for the
sake of a bloody chilli challenge, again, Ianto considered saying but
reconsidered.
‘I’m a bit too busy sir.’ Ianto slipped back
into the Hothouse, muttering under his breath. He felt hot under the collar.
The temperature hadn’t risen in the room any but Ianto felt extremely warm and
loosened his tie. A dark figure blocked the doorway and Ianto jumped, dropping
his pen. He swore.
‘What’s wrong?’ Asked Jack, stepping into
the room, feeling the instant stifling heat hit him square on.
‘Nothing, sir.’ Ianto swept up the pen and
attempted to continue with his work.
‘Something’s wrong. I can tell, you know.’
Ianto sighed and laid the clipboard down on
top of a glass plant cover. ‘It’s just…’ He pulled a face. Jack recognised the
look and smiled.
‘I don’t die Ianto. Not ever.’
‘But you might. One day. And I would hate to
think you had lived your life fully only to fall foul of an alien chilli.’
Jack laughed lightly and
pulled Ianto towards him. ‘It would take a whole entire forest of capsicums to
floor me, Ianto Jones.’ He kissed Ianto on his sweaty forehead and pulled a
face. ‘You’re hot.’ He grinned, raising a brow.
‘It’s a hothouse, sir.’
Jack laughed.
‘All the more reason for you to come with me
and cool down.’
‘Except in your case, Jack, you’re about to
get very hot.’
‘I can handle it, but I need you to keep a
close eye on the stop watch. I’ve got a plan to beat Owen this time, and I need
your help.’
‘Isn’t that - cheating, sir?’
‘The only way Owen beat me last year, was by
cheating.’
‘Two wrongs, and all that, sir.’
‘Are you gonna help me or not?’ Jack asked,
taken aback suddenly by Ianto’s lack of enthusiasm.
‘Not.’ Ianto replied after much
deliberation. ‘I just think, with these kinds of competitions that, if you
can’t win fair and square…’
‘But that’s whole the point Ianto, you can’t
win this without making the ultimate sacrifice, and I need to win this back.
That’s why I need you to help me. It’s not cheating as such.’ Jack considered.
‘It’s just bending the rules slightly.’
‘What do you have in mind, exactly.’
Jack smiled.
Two hours later and Owen
had racked up his fair share of points. So far, the capsules he’d consumed had
little effect on his system. The odd gurgle but nothing that would arouse worry
from either orifice. Jack too was suffering none of the red-hot flushes that
he’d suffered from two years ago, and Owen was worried.
‘How about we have a little wager on this?’
Owen decided, glancing at the few remaining chillies left to eat.
‘Sure, why not.’ Jack nodded loosening a few
buttons on his shirt.
‘Whoever loses, cleans up the mess he
makes.’ Owen smirked, all too aware that Jack failed to get past No. 7, and
that to him, was the mildest chilli yet.
‘Alright. Done.’ Jack, steely eyed, shook on
it.
‘How about you take this down to the cells,
given that, this could get very messy, shortly.’ Toshiko added, hearing one or
two gurgles that disturbed her thoughts.
‘Good point.’ Said Jack.
Despite her protestations, Gwen was
encouraged to join them, to be the adjudicator, to check for any foul play.
Jack had intimated at the start that Owen was prone to cheating, in order to
win. Jack smiled, confident that he had it in the bag this time. Ianto carried
the jug of milk and the two empty glasses. Toshiko watched from the monitor – busy
with an algorithm that was taking a while to configure.
‘I’ll root for you from here, if you don’t
mind.’ She smiled at Owen, raising her fists in a ‘go get ‘em tiger’ action
before resuming her work.
In the bowels of the Hub, two cells along
from a grizzly Weevil with attitude problems, Ianto set up the wooden table
alongside the open door of the cell. Owen by this time felt the need to sit
down. The walk from the Hub had taken it out of him and his guts were letting
him know.
‘You wanna quit?’ Jack asked, hopefully.
‘No. I’m good. Just a bit of gas.’
‘Oh shit.’ Gwen muttered. All three looked
at her. ‘I left the air freshener on my desk. I’ll go get it.’
‘No, we’re already six chillies in, we can’t
wait. We need to carry on.’ Jack inhaled deeply, perspiration already forming
on his face and neck. So far, he was holding up just fine. He focused on the
No. 7, which had beaten him many times in the past. He sized up the tiny capsule
in his hand and turned it over several times, moistening his lips. He sniffed.
‘You ready with that stopwatch Ianto?’ Owen
asked. Ianto nodded. Jack swallowed the capsule and felt it travel down his
throat and into his stomach. He winced slightly as the capsule hit the bile in
his belly and reacted violently. He grimaced and for a moment Ianto, Owen and
Gwen thought he was going to keel over. Ianto hovered his thumb over the stop watch
button. After several doubtful moments, Jack Harkness straightened up, sweating
profusely and exhaled heavily. He looked at Owen, a wry grin appearing at the
side of his mouth.
‘Your turn.’ He whispered.
The capsules worked on the internal organs,
rather than allowing the mouth and throat to burn, it attacked the digestive
tract, and would burn on re-entry should either of them throw up. It would be
much more painful if they spent the night on the toilet later too. Milk, as
with the standard chilli sauce challenges lessened the pain but would still
cause kick back on re-entry. So far, both men were holding up extremely well,
considering.
However, the alien chillies were different.
Each of them contained a toxic ingredient that if not properly harvested at the
right time, could prove fatal to either contestant. Jack knew this, as did
Owen. Each man had two chillies left. Neither man had reached the dizzying
heights of the chilli challenge before and it was with some trepidation, that
Owen was weighing up his chances with the new capsule serving.
‘You don’t have to do this Owen.’ Jack
informed him.
‘Nah, no no. I’ll do it.’
‘Seriously Owen, don’t be stupid.’ Gwen
urged. ‘Jack’s different remember. If he dies, he’ll come back. If your
internal organs fail…well, I’m just saying.’
‘I’ll be alright. And if I’m not, well, it’s
been a blast.’ Tosh lifted her head from the mechanical device on her desk and
stared at the CCTV in the cells.
‘No, Owen, don’t you dare.’
Owen popped the capsule into his mouth,
washing it down with a half glass of milk. Even before the capsule had hit his
stomach, strange things began to happen. It bubbled and popped and he doubled
over, clutching at his belly, as the noxious gases began to erupt inside him,
searching for an exit. Both Gwen, Jack and Ianto took several steps back. Gwen
snatched up the fire extinguisher. Toshiko was already on her way downstairs to
the cells, a glass phial in her hand.
‘How did you…?’ Owen asked several
evacuations later and a clean pair of boxer shorts, trousers and shirt and back
upstairs.
‘That would be telling.’ Jack smiled smugly
‘You bastard.’ Owen was appalled. ‘You
bloody cheated.’ Jack beamed.
‘Actually, he didn’t.’ Ianto replied.
‘But, he must have, even I couldn’t get past
that, and that’s saying something for a supreme champion like me.’
‘Jack used the serum to line his stomach
before he began the challenge.’
‘You broke the rules. By my estimates, I
win.’ Owen shook his head.
‘Actually, it is in the rules.’ Ianto
interjected.
‘No, it’s bloody not. I should know. I
bloody wrote them.’
Ianto withdrew the document pertaining to
the rules of the game, Owen recognised it instantly from the infinity coffee
cup stains on the underside.
‘Hey, who told you to go searching in my
workstation drawers?’
‘It was on the desk, Owen, beside the Rule
Book. It clearly states in subsection Three that it would be advisable to line
your stomach before each challenge with the Urakian serum found inside the bark
of the Urakian capsicum plants. Your rules, Owen.’
‘I win.’ Jack smiled smugly, not for the
first time since returning upstairs.
Owen scowled. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘Life’s not fair. And guess what Owen, loser
cleans the cells.’
No comments:
Post a Comment